Sadie Says …
Got a question? Send it to me at Sadie@thetriangle.org! My name’s Sadie Samson, and I’m an undergraduate student here at Drexel University. I love to write, listen and give my opinion, so ask away!
I have this friend; let’s call her “Chelsea.” Chelsea and I were pretty close friends for about a year or so freshman year, and now — nothing. We used to hang out all the time, and now I barely see her. When I do, she always suggests that we hang out, promises to text and then doesn’t. I’ll text her every now and then, and she either doesn’t respond or gives one-word responses. I have no idea what’s going on with her, but I still consider her a friend of mine and just wanted some advice from an objective place about the whole situation.
First things first: Chelsea is a fake friend. Fake friends are not friends, and it’s as simple as that. Real friends mean it when they say they want to hang out, and they actually make plans to do so. It sounds to me like you and Chelsea aren’t friends at all anymore. Regardless of your past friendship with Chelsea, keep in mind that people and relationships do change. It may be tough to come to terms with, but though you and Chelsea may have been best friends once, you may not be anymore. And while you may want to remain her friend, she may not want the same, and you have to respect this.
There’s an old, cliche saying that suggests that if you let someone go and they come back, they were yours all along, and if not, you never had them anyway. I won’t go so far as to suggest that if you stop trying to be Chelsea’s friend and she completely falls out of contact with you that you two were never truly friends. However, I will say that it might mean that your relationship has evolved (or devolved, depending on how you look at it) to a point where there is no friendship.
I’d suggest evaluating your relationship with Chelsea thoroughly and looking at the reasons why you still consider her a friend. Are you only looking at the past and not acknowledging how things have changed between you two as time has gone on? Why is it that she never initiates contact? Friendship is a two-way street, after all.
Be completely honest with yourself, and remember that acknowledging that you were once great friends does not guarantee that you always will be.
Best of luck!
My boyfriend and I are long-distance, and it’s killing me. He goes to school back home (I live about four hours away), and it’s super tough. In the past two months, I’ve seen him in person only three times, and two of those times ended with us arguing. I really do care about him, and I want to make this work, but I just can’t see it going anywhere from here. We get into petty arguments over the phone, things get misinterpreted and he has severe trust issues. Any advice on making this work out better than it is?
First step: Breathe. Think about why you’re in this relationship and why you want to make it work. You say you care a lot about him, and that’s great. Write down or think of other things that remind you why you’re in this relationship in the first place, and it will instantly make things a bit easier.
Secondly, think about your past few arguments. What have they been about? How did they start? If they’re about the same thing, plan to discuss the matter calmly up front the next time you meet in person, and resolve the issue as soon as possible. If they’re just petty arguments, it could be that you two are just working through the regular annoyances that come with being in a relationship, though magnified since you see one another less.
When you aren’t seeing someone in person, communication can often get misinterpreted , and you can feel like there is a disconnect between you two. Combat this by thinking the next time he says something that could be taken several ways and by asking him what exactly he meant of it. You both are probably frustrated, not just with being long-distance, but with schoolwork, so remember that the next time you seem annoyed at one another.
You mention that your boyfriend has severe trust issues: What does this mean? Does he constantly ask you where you’re going and who you’re going with? If so, this probably is less a trust issue as it is trying to stay connected to you while he isn’t there. Tell him how you feel about his prodding, if this is the case, and he’ll surely oblige you if it makes you feel uncomfortable. If he seems annoyed by the fact that you’re hanging out with friends or constantly asking about one friend in particular when there is no reason for him to distrust either of you, your issues run deeper. Again, as with whatever it is you two might be arguing about, you need to resolve this in person. Ask him what it is that makes him unable to trust you completely, and explain that in order to stay together, especially when you won’t be seeing much of one another, you have to have his trust.
I wish you the best of luck and believe that if you two are right for one another, you’ll be able to work things out.
Best of luck!