Got any tips for building a resume?

Sincerely,

Workaholic Will

Dear Workaholic Will,

As a master of deception, I have a few tips on embellishing your resume to make you appear irresistible for even the most competitive jobs. I suggest making every hobby or skill of yours appear sophisticated. For example, if you’re someone who enjoys spending time playing Club Penguin, I suggest writing “children’s entertainment enthusiast.” If you eat lots of toast because you’re not Martha Stewart, then you’re a “toastmaker extraordinaire”. It’s simple — just make everything sound professional. Pull a Gatsby and deceive everyone. I also suggest asking trustful people — and those you meet on Craigslist don’t count — to take a look at your resume and help you make it better.

Sincerely,

Eloise

Dear Eloise,

I’m a freshman, and I want to take advantage of my only free summer during my time at Drexel. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Summer Samantha

Dear Summer Samantha,

Because it’s your only summer, you should make it the best one yet. I suggest sitting at home, eating peanut butter sandwiches and watching entire seasons of “Law & Order” on Netflix. If that doesn’t seem like your cup of tea, you should cover your body in Nutella and roll down a bunch of hills. However, I don’t suggest this because I am not sure if it is legal and also because that’s a waste of Nutella. Get a job bagging groceries, become an indentured servant and take an unpaid internship, or take a class over the summer to get ahead. I also suggest buying some aviators, getting a tan and spending lots of time people watching at your local pool. Just have some fun, for Pete’s sake!

Sincerely,

Eloise

Dear Eloise,

This spring weather is driving me nuts; it’s cold in the mornings but extremely warm in the afternoon. What do I wear to class?

Sincerely,

Fashion Fiona

Dear Fashion Fiona,

I suggest putting deodorant on your legs circa Paulie Bleeker in 2007. Then buy a pair of pants that have zippers on the legs and turn into shorts. This way, when it gets warm you can just unzip layers and leave them behind. Layers are really key here; think of yourself as a cake. Just make sure you don’t eat too much cake because you want to maintain your summer figure underneath all of these cakelike layers. In reality, I think you should just wear a sweater or jacket that you could take off in the afternoon. Enjoy the weather before the summer heat makes you melt like a Popsicle.

Sincerely,

Eloise

The post Dear Eloise appeared first on The Triangle.

I am going to start going on interviews for co-op for next fall, and I am incredibly nervous. With so much at stake, how do I ensure that I make a good impression with a potential boss?

Sincerely,

Working William

Dear Working William,

Now, I have not gone on many interviews myself due to the fact that I could not type in the ‘60s and my bratty children were unable to go unsupervised for more than five minutes until the age of 17. However, I am extremely aware that first impressions are simply essential. I mean, I am not saying that one should judge a book by its cover, but a lot of times that is just the case. I have this loathsome neighbor whose name I shall not reveal based on principle, but she is just a terrible creature. When I first moved into my house, she promptly knocked on the door to introduce herself and brought me a half-eaten low-fat granola bar as a housewarming gift. It was a terrible first impression. Now listen to me, sonny. In order to make a first impression, there are a couple of things that you should avoid doing. Please, for the sake of all that is holy, do not wear “jorts”; jean shorts are the reason why children get rocks thrown at them in the schoolyard. In addition, please avoid telling any stories about your morals, even if dental hygiene is a way to show your time management skills. I am sure you’ll do wonders!

Toodles,

Granny

Dear Granny,

I’m extremely fond of social media, but despite my large amount of friends on Facebook, I don’t think my wit is truly recognized by the masses. How can I get more likes on my really funny statuses?

Sincerely,

Internet Ian

Dear Internet Ian,

I type this column on a mighty fine typewriter, and I don’t quite understand the premise of this “Facebook.” Is it simply a photo album? I attempted to take up scrapbooking a few years back but got so frustrated with my family’s non-photogenic traits that I told myself to either buy an entire new family on the black market or give up scrapbooking completely. I did not have the funds for the former, so I was stuck with the latter. Anyway, it seems as if popularity appears to be the true issue at hand. Because I spend a lot of time watching “Oprah” reruns and color-organizing my pantyhose, I am not exactly sure what to tell you. Perhaps you should post controversial things to get more feedback. For example, maybe say something like “I just ate a deer. Can’t tell if I prefer it with mustard or ketchup,” or “Down with the bourgeoisie capitalist agenda!!!!” You will definitely become more popular and maybe even create a new gourmet meal or start an international revolution. The options are endless, really.

Toodles,

Granny

Dear Granny,

I attempted to do laundry a couple weeks ago; it was not for the first time, but I usually just bring it home with me for my mom to do (no judgment, please). However, I shrank many of my sweaters, and now I feel like my wardrobe is incomplete. What can I do to get out of this rut and avoid future laundry problems?

Sincerely,

Sweater Samantha

Dear Sweater Samantha,

I am most hurt by the fact that you torture perfectly innocent pieces of cotton, wool and cashmere like this. Before I continue answering your question, I would like to direct you toward the Declaration of Independence of the United States. Now I was not alive when it was written, but I am sure that when the founders of this fine nation said that everyone has unalienable rights such as those to “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,” they did not exclude sweaters. Anyway, I’ve been doing laundry all my life, so I can give you a few tips. Separation is key. Next, make sure to read the labels — not stereotypes, but the actual labels on your clothes — and follow the directions. If these steps are too complex, you can always coat your body in peanut butter, roll around in the grass and pretend you are an eco-friendly version of Lady Gaga. You’ll avoid doing laundry and gain recognition at the same time.

Toodles,

Granny

The post Dear Granny and Eloise appeared first on The Triangle.

Dear Granny,

My roommate uses grammar incorrectly whenever my friends are around. To be frank, it’s a tad embarrassing. How do I get him to stop?

Sincerely,

Annoyed Anthony

Dear Annoyed Anthony,

When I was a youngling, there were no questions about whether or not proper grammar should be used — especially in front of the ladies. I mean those darn greaser hooligans had their own vernacular, bees-knees and hotsy-totsy, but the gentlemen were always proper and enchanting. However, there’s nothing like the vernacular of the young folks — along with inflation — that reminds me that times are really changing every day. Perhaps your roommate gets so nervous trying to impress your entourage that he completely loses his sense of self. You should take this via the “My Fair Lady” route and begin teaching him proper grammar and pronunciation: “The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.” However, take this route cautiously, for it may lead to an inspiring cinematic romance between the professor and the student, and you really should not be mixing business with pleasure, dearie.

Toodles,

Granny

Dear Granny,

I have been trying to stay healthy this term, but it’s rather difficult. My friends keep peer pressuring me into eating five too many pizza slices. How do I keep on track?

Sincerely,

Healthy Heath

Dear Healthy Heath,

Even though you may be watching your weight — although at this point it appears that it really is not going anywhere — it is OK to indulge every once in a while. As a housewife, I find cooking to be an outlet for all my emotions. I keep my dreadful husband, Donald, in check by the mere threat of him finding arsenic in his pot roast or scotch; it is safe to say that he rarely crosses me. Anyway, something I suggest you do is to get some sort of device that shocks you every time you think about greasy food, darling. You understand, sweetie? This way, every time your mind even considers the idea of consuming something that is not water or broccoli, you will feel excruciating pain. I am not sure about the legality of such a device, but the ladies I play bridge with just rave about it. You’re a brave soul; even I’m not courageous enough to resist a slice of heaven — and I lived through World War II.

Toodles,

Granny

*Eloise is M.I.A.

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Springtime is finally here! How can I use the weather to my advantage when planning fun activities in Philadelphia?

Sincerely,

Stuck & the City

Dear Stuck & the City,

Oh dearie! You see, one of my favorite artists of all time — no, not that whippersnapper with the big ego, Kanye East — Elvis Presley recorded a beautiful song called “Burning Love.” I only know this because my dreadful husband, Donald, sings this before dinner every night, something I still haven’t gotten completely used to. However, the song goes something like, “I feel my temperature rising / Higher, higher / It’s burning through to my soul.” So listen here sonny, I am not bringing this up to tell you that my husband is a terrible singer, which he definitely is! I am bringing this up because it sounds like you have a case of spring fever! Back in my day, we would go to a drive-in to watch a talkie, but I’m not exactly sure what you whippersnappers do for fun nowadays. Perhaps just walk around and enjoy each other’s company because time is a precious thing to waste.

Toodles,

Granny

Dear Stuck & the City,

My favorite thing about spring weather is sitting inside and playing Nancy Drew games on my computer. That way you can do two things: completely avoid social interaction and become incredibly successful at amateur puzzles meant for young adolescents that are actually rather difficult. The only downside about this springtime lifestyle is that when you fail to complete a puzzle, you resort to looking up cheat codes online, which leads to low self-esteem as well as overeating. Therefore I suggest a brilliant compromise for those who dare to accept the challenge: Take your laptop and a blanket, and play your games outdoors. This way you can interact with people in the real world while simultaneously getting tan to the point that you can create your own reality TV show set on a beach. Best of luck to you!

Sincerely,

Eloise

Dear Granny and Eloise,

I’m a computer science major, and the life of an engineer does not allow for much leisurely reading. What can I do to become well read and sophisticated like my English-major colleagues?

Sincerely,

Visual Studio Vinny

Dear Visual Studio Vinny,

Although I am sure you’re just completely enthralled with coding, you should never feel like you’re forced to pick one end of the spectrum, dearie! When I was growing up, we had very limited forms of entertainment, which led to me reading many, many books that I would pick up from the library. Of course, this hobby continued, seeing as how Donald is just a complete bore. Therefore you should always try to make time for leisurely reading even though you are already a very busy bee. Perhaps join a book club so that you can socialize and read at the same time; I know how you computer science majors like efficiency. Once a week, the ladies and I get together to play bridge and sip lemonade, and it’s just marvelous, darling!

Toodles,

Granny

Dear Visual Studio Vinny,

I’m very enthused with your desire to read. I, too, become too extravagantly busy to read due to my desire to watch Jim and Pam fan videos on YouTube for hours on end. However, I have a quick remedy that will solve all your problems. I suggest that you begin by just making up novels and journals that you read when talking to friends. For example, let’s say your pretentious buddy comes up to you and starts ranting about the disgusting bourgeoisie agenda that is attached to that one book that you did not have time to read. What you have to do is take a breath and begin talking about how that book is extremely similar to a French* book that you had accidentally stumbled upon a few months back. Then mumble something in gibberish but make it believable, something that an old man in a beret would say when walking down the street in Paris. Your friend will be so thrown off by your eloquence that he or she will completely forget their point and retreat to a corner. As a result, “How You Like Me Now” by The Heavy will begin playing in the background as you walk off into the sunset or the smog. Mission accomplished.

Sincerely,

Eloise

*PS: Make sure that your friend does not speak French.

**PPS: Because this has never been attempted before outside of the laboratory, make sure you have adult supervision before you try this at home.

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What are some good study-abroad programs?

Sincerely,

Wanderlust Waldo

Dear Wanderlust Waldo,

Ah, dearie, to have the opportunity to travel is an excellent one. It’s great that you’re looking into it, but where you should go depends on your language skills and your interests. Drexel offers many great study-abroad programs, but if you don’t find anything that suits your interests and abilities, there are outside resources, too. You can just use your Internet thingy and search it, but be wary of scams. Good luck!

Toodles,

Granny

Dear Wanderlust Waldo,

Studying abroad is a great way to get new experiences, especially if you are physically fit enough to re-enact the movie “Taken.” If you’re not physically fit enough, you should befriend someone who resembles Liam Neeson to make it more realistic. Obviously a great study abroad program would be one in Paris. I’m a tad bit biased because I’m clearly a huge Francophone — hello, my name is Eloise — but it’s all right. Just imagine sitting in cafes like Ernest Hemingway or F. Scott Fitzgerald. If you don’t have the language experience, you can just attempt to fake it by saying everything with a French accent while wearing stripes. If you’re not a huge Francophile because you had a disappointing childhood or hate the way France lost all of their wars, you can check out Drexel’s study-abroad website for more countries to visit.

Sincerely,

Eloise

Dear Granny and Eloise,

This term has been really busy, and I haven’t been able to see many people. I feel as if I’m growing apart from my really close friend. How do I solve this issue? I obviously really care about her.

Sincerely,

Loner Lisa

Dear Loner Lisa,

With time, even some of the closest friends drift apart. If you are concerned that this is happening to you and want to preserve the friendship, then reach out to the person. I don’t mean just saying “hi” as you pass her by on bingo night. Instead, go seek her out when she has free time and have a serious discussion with her. Try to find the source of the problem if there is one. Consider both her issues and your own because friendship is a two-way street; no one person is at fault for the distance. If it means something to you (and it clearly does given that you’re writing about it), then reach out to her or deal with it.

Toodles,

Granny

Dear Loner Lisa,

You should get out a handy dandy ruler and measure the distance between you two. Keep her within 65 inches at all times. This way you can practice for the three-legged race, bond over grilled cheese at the dining hall and pass as conjoined twins to nearby strangers. If this seems a little too close for comfort, you can also sign a pact to be allies in case water fights or paintball battles break out between other Drexel students — just make sure you actually stick to them, unlike Stalin and Hitler. If you don’t see any wars breaking out any time soon, you can also just force her to watch Netflix movies with you in your pajamas or play Clue. Solving crimes always forces people to bond — just look at Sherlock Holmes and Watson.

Sincerely,

Eloise

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I’m single, and all my friends have significant others. I feel so left out all the time. How can I have fun without being in a relationship?

Signed,
The Fifth Wheel

Dear The Fifth Wheel,

Oh, goodness. You whippersnappers are so whiny! What ever happened to the independent youth blazing a trail and playing the field? Back in my day, we didn’t even have this dating nonsense! (OK, so now you know I’ve been around for a while, but that doesn’t make me old — just timeless.) Anywho, no one should ever feel left out for making the decision to stay free from commitment. What I’m trying to say is don’t feel like you need to have a significant other in order to enjoy yourself. If all your friends have significant others, I think you should be open to making new friends. Until then, you can do something fun for yourself, like work out, watch a movie or read. If all else fails, you can adopt a cat. Remember, cats are worthy counterparts.

Toodles,
Granny

Dear The Fifth Wheel,

Instead of eating an entire container of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream while filming your cats playing with a ball of yarn, you should make some new friends, watch horror movies and eat Chinese food. Here are some things not to do: Don’t watch any movies featuring Amy Adams, don’t create an online dating profile, and don’t buy yourself flowers and pretend that a new beau has sent them. Just hang out with your friends and have some fun!

Sincerely,
Eloise

Dear Granny and Eloise,

I’ve been dating this guy for a year now, but I don’t know if I should do anything for him for our anniversary. Help!

Signed,
Clueless in Love

Dear Clueless in Love,

Well, after a year it’s about time for a wedding, don’t ya think? Maybe he should be getting you a ring, and naturally, your family could give his family a sheep or two. I’m only kidding, of course. I know you younglings like to take your time in those matters, but it’s just an idea. How about you two go see a movie or go for a walk? You can write him a sweet letter. He’ll probably appreciate anything you give him, and if he doesn’t, it might be time to move on to other prospects.

Toodles,
Granny

Dear Clueless in Love,

I think you should Photoshop your faces together and make a photo album to show what your future children would look like, similarly to what Kate Hudson’s character did in “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.” Don’t let the title of the film frighten you! Also, I hear the newest trend this year is destination weddings, so you can buy tickets for a nice, trendy getaway. Please don’t write a poem about how cute his toenails are or how much you sometimes like going through his trash to learn more things about him. Instead, just spend the day together and enjoy being together.

Sincerely,
Eloise

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Do you have any suggestions for Facebook alternatives?
-Tired of Being Stalked

Dear Tired of Being Stalked,

Well, sonny, I can’t say I had this problem in my day and age. Nope. No such thing as a book of faces on the Internet or whatever you call it. But anyway, it seems you have larger problems on your hands than just a social networking site. If you truly think you are being stalked by someone who is a threat to you in some way, I would advise you to block that person or delete your account and start fresh. Otherwise, if you’re using the term in a light-hearted manner, I would recommend not offering up so much information online. Any social networking site you go on will pose the same types of problems because they are all online. Remember, you can control what goes on your Facebook. You can choose to allow your friends to tag you in posts or not. You choose whether or not you post about the delicious applesauce you had for dinner last night, that intense game of bingo you played Saturday, or how your dentures keep falling out in conversations with strangers. It’s up to you. The Internet is an incredible tool, but it is also a dangerous one. Use it wisely, or in my case, not at all.
Toodles,
Granny

Dear Tired of Being Stalked,

A nice, yet complicated, alternative to Facebook would be to buy a nice photo album and make a collage of all of your friends’ faces. Then you can title it “The Burn Book,” write mean comments, make photocopies and distribute them at the Hans. However, this alternative has some repercussions: President Fry might have to get a baseball bat or a Drexel Shuttle might hit you. Therefore, you could try to make your profile more private or put up false information and interests to see who truly pays attention. If that fails, deactivate your Facebook and become a recluse — J.D. Salinger rocked the image, so you can too. Also, you might be interested in MySpace or Xanga — so totally retro that it can be considered vintage.

Best Wishes,
Eloise

Dear Granny and Eloise,

I have a term of all electives coming up. Can you recommend any interesting/easy classes?

-Cruising Senior

Dear Cruising Senior,

Well, this is certainly a wonderful predicament! There are so many interesting classes to take. I may not have attended college, but I never said I didn’t sneak into any lectures. For starters, you should take a look at the course catalog. Find the areas that interest you and pick courses. If you’ve made it to senior year of college, I’d be willing to wager that you have a number of academic interests. It’s that simple!
Toodles,

Granny

Dear Cruising Senior,

I think you should consider playing a nice game of Russian roulette — just open up the catalog and pick a random class, hoping that it’s something interesting. If you’re not comfortable putting your academic term in the hands of random happenstance, take a Russian history course; it’s the closest thing. On a serious note, you should just review the guide and take an easy language course or a dance class — it will force you to try something completely different. Likewise, you can also decide to take just 12 credits and spend a lot of time studying the interior of the Hans.

Sincerely,
Eloise

Dear Granny and Eloise,

Why shouldn’t I drop out of school and become a plumber? They make more money than I ever will!

-Confused About Life

Dear Confused About Life,

While I endorse the idea that not everyone should go to college (heck, I didn’t, and I turned out all right), I don’t think you should rush into anything. Think about it: maybe you should be a plumber, or maybe you are meant to do something else. Try to find what you are passionate about because the easiest route and the one that offers the most money isn’t always the one that will lead you to true happiness. Some whippersnappers take happiness for granted and ask what it’s worth if you aren’t making a lot of money. Well, let me challenge them: At the end of the day, what is money worth if you are unhappy?
Toodles,
Granny

Dear Confused About Life,

Do you have a passion for installing and maintaining systems used for water and drainage? Does the idea of working with rusty and leaky pipes get you so excited you feel like a 15-year-old girl from the 1980s at her first school dance? Do you dream of Sherlock Holmes-esque inspections of valves, sinks and septic tanks? If so, then by all means, drop out of school, become a plumber and live a long, healthy life with the accompaniment of your lovely wrench. However, if you’re simply confused — which I take it you are, due to that lovely surname you’re sporting — I would just give it some time and weigh your options. Don’t make any drastic decisions — everyone knows how well that turned out for Britney Spears in 2007.

Sincerely,
Eloise

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I have an amazing boyfriend of five months. He’s perfect in every way — sweet, funny, intelligent and everything else I could ask for. There’s just one problem: He has no idea how to dress. He wears jean shorts with high, white socks and New Balance sneakers every single day. He dresses like a fifth grader, and it’s embarrassing me! How can I tell him to ditch the jorts?

Signed,

Fashionable Fiona

Dear Fashionable Fiona,

That is quite a predicament, dearie. Obviously, to some people, that outfit is perfectly acceptable, but if you really feel as though it is childish, you should be straightforward with him. I mean, don’t say it negatively. Instead, compliment him when he doesn’t wear New Balance Sneakers with high socks and jorts. He’ll be more receptive to your positivity than your nagging. That’s what I did with my husband, Donald — though convincing him to trash his purple pinstriped trousers didn’t really make him any more attractive.

Toodles,

Granny

Dear Fashionable Fiona,

One thing that I may suggest is to tell all of your friends and acquaintances that your boyfriend is a time traveler — similar to “Phil of the Future” — and his unique style represents future trends that will take the world by storm. In addition, you could also sneak into his room, burn all of his clothing items that Joan Rivers would disapprove of, and pretend that he was robbed. Or, if all else fails, just be honest and take him on a shopping spree.

Good Luck,

Eloise

Dear Granny and Eloise,

I have a really good friend whom I enjoy hanging out with a lot. I’m happy to do things with her, but she texts me so much, and I can’t deal with it any more! Not an hour goes by without getting a text from her, and if I don’t respond she just keeps texting. They’re all pointless texts, constant updates about her day. I love my BFF, but how do I get her to tone it down?

Signed,

Tortured by Texting

Dear Tortured by Texting,

That’s a difficult situation. Although this wasn’t an issue back in my day, I do stay up to date with all of your fancy technology. I sent my first text message all by myself yesterday! (Well, my granddaughter might have typed it out and pushed those button doo-hickeys for me, but other than that I did it). Anyhow, I think you should just tell her you have a texting limit, and if she keeps texting you too much, block her from your phone. Wait. Don’t do that. That may be too harsh (when you’re as old as I am you can get away with stuff like that). Just tell her it’s an issue, and if she doesn’t stop, try being more firm about it.

Toodles,

Granny

Dear Tortured by Texting,

I highly recommend becoming a cavewoman. You should take your phone and throw it against the wall. Then you can put the pieces back together like a puzzle and hang it up in your room — because you probably won’t find anything better to do without your cellular device anyway. You can also tell her that you’re refusing to accept that it is 2013 because the world was supposed to end and instead are going to acknowledge the year 1993, when texting did not exist; however, this might require you to wear skorts and crimp your hair. Just tell her that you need some time, and if she doesn’t understand, turn off your cell phone.

Sincerely,

Eloise

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After coming back to Drexel, I realized how badly I’ve been eating over break. All those holiday hams and desserts — who can resist the temptation? What do I do to get back on track and be my (semi) healthy self once more?

Sincerely,

Jenny Craig

My dearie Jenny Craig,

I am old, but do you know how I got to be old? By staying alive. And how did I do that? By eating right. Stick to your good ol’ fruits and veggies, and you’ll be just fine, hun. Aw, who am I kidding? It’s okay to indulge every once in a while. After all, who could resist homemade cookies over the holidays? Now, you’ve just got to determine what you want and pursue it. If you really want to be healthy again, decide to be. Make a point to eat better and exercise. Put your mind to it, because that’s the only way you’ll ever achieve anything.

Toodles,

Granny

Dear Jenny Craig,

We’ve all been there — eating doughnuts late at night, pretending calories don’t count as long as you finish eating the McDonald’s in the car, and re-enacting the dressing room scene in “White Chicks.”If you have started resenting yourself due to your high food intake, there’s two things you could do: begin hating yourself as you send out passive-aggressive text messages to anyone who invites you to lunch or dinner, or accept that everyone puts on a few pounds during the holidays and try to get back on track. Get some apples and eat them instead of using them as paperweights on your desk. Another good option is to take the stairs to your class in the Main Building. I’m eating a doughnut as I am writing this, but you’ve inspired me to say no to the seductive croissant that’s shouting at me from the kitchen. You’ll do wonders!

Good luck,

Eloise

Dear Granny and Eloise,

Over break I got my grades. Let’s just say they weren’t satisfactory. I’m freaking out! What should I do?

Signed,

Grave Grades

My dearie Grave Grades,

It’s a bit too late to freak out now because there’s nothing you can do to change it. At least you are concerned, but you can change that concern into determination to do better this term. Consider yourself lucky you even have the opportunity to go to college; many people, like me, aren’t quite so lucky. I’ve spent the majority of my life stuck in my home. Don’t get me wrong, it’s respectable to be a stay-at-home mom, but if I had the chance to be in your place, I’d be sure to fulfill my duties and succeed. Besides, it depends on what you are referring to when you say “satisfactory.” Some students are satisfied with a C; others won’t tolerate below an A. Regardless of your standards, maybe you should re-evaluate your situation, and if you are still worried, make a plan to study harder and execute it.

Toodles,

Granny

Dear Grave Grades,

Naturally, you should rent the last three seasons of any show aired by the CW; I suggest either “90210”or “Gossip Girl.”Next, you have to watch all of the episodes at once, only taking breaks either to go to the restroom or run to CVS to buy more tissues for when the 25-year-old blonde guy pretending to be a high school senior breaks up with the 23-year-old brunette pretending to be a high school junior. You have to pine for a miracle reminiscent of “Pleasantville” that allows you to enter these fictional worlds through your television set and never return to the real world. The reason for this advice is that in most CWshows that focus on a school setting, the characters actually stop referencing education in general after approximately the fifth episode, where both the lighting and their wardrobes significantly improve. Another course of action I may suggest, simply if you’re too much of a broke college student to afford boxed DVD sets or tissues, is to stop fretting on past mistakes and just dedicate more time to your schoolwork this quarter. Go to the library so you won’t get distracted, visit the Writing Center or get a tutor. Try a combination of any of these suggestions and hit the books; they won’t hit back.

Sincerely,

Eloise

Dear Granny and Eloise,

I’ve been talking to a boy over the past few weeks, and I can’t help but feel discouraged every time he sends me text messages with only one exclamation point or shares oxygen with someone of the opposite sex. I really like this boy, and I can’t help but overreact to every single little thing. Help!

Sincerely,

Loner in Lavender

My dearie Loner in Lavender,

It seems to me you’re suffering from one of the most crippling diseases known to man: jealousy. Take it from me, that fiend of a feeling will debilitate you for good, and I’ve got the cane to prove it. I understand that you like this person a lot, but that doesn’t give you the right to overanalyze or control him. That’s the perfect recipe for disaster in a relationship. Besides, hun, let me tell you how lucky you are that you have a choice in love.

You want to know my love story? It’s a tale of the ages (the Dark Ages, maybe). Anyway, on my 17th birthday, I noticed there was another cow in the yard. This was unusual, considering my family could hardly afford the mud that was caked in their boots. I asked my father where he got such a beautiful specimen of livestock, and he proceeded to tell me it was given to him in exchange for my hand in marriage to Donald Dayghaster, the most undesirable bachelor in town. Sixty years later, I can tell you that deal didn’t work out well for either of us. He hasn’t spoken to me in three years other than to holler at me for stealing all of the covers. Well, that might be a slight exaggeration, but you get the point.

Follow your heart, and don’t let love be tainted by envy. Maybe he thought one exclamation mark was sufficient. Be happy, because at least you’ll never wind up with Donald Dayghaster.

Toodles,

Granny

Dear Loner in Lavender,

Although we are all guilty of the things that I shall mention below, you have to remember to take everything as it comes and simply breathe. I don’t have any tips on making this boy fall madly in love with you and tap you haikus in Morse code at the Hans, but these simple tips should help you avoid overanalyzing everything so much in your pretty lil’ head. Don’t stalk his Facebook back to 2008 in which you can easily see him flirting with other nice and fertile ladies who are not you. Don’t freak out and have a panic attack if he doesn’t immediately reply to your text about the cool fact that you found on Wikipedia. And finally, don’t grovel and assume that he doesn’t find you fabulously charming, forcing you to replay sad breakup scenes in your head as if you’re attending the matinee of “He’s Truly Not Into You Even Though Justin Long and Ginnifer Goodwin Ended up Together in the Movie Version: The Musical.” Just remember to be yourself!

Best Wishes,

Eloise

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