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Dear Eloise | The Triangle

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Dear Eloise

Dear Eloise,

 

Now that you’ve given me all those tips on how to spend my summer, I can’t wait, especially because most of my friends already finished school. What can I do to make it through these last few weeks?

 

Sincerely,

Summer Samantha

 

 

Dear Summer Samantha,

 

You should get a calendar, circle the last day of finals with a red marker, and count down by crossing out the days. Don’t forget to film yourself, make a montage of these last few weeks, and play “Closing Time” by Semisonic in the background. This will make these last few weeks go much faster while at the same time motivating you to look the part. In addition, you could spend a lot of time outside eating fruit salads and tanning. Do homework outside or don’t do it at all. I very strongly suggest the former, although you can choose. You can also do a Google image search for photos of the beach and 3-D print them and pretend you’re at the beach. Just focus and remember that you will be relaxing soon enough!

 

Sincerely,

Eloise

 

 

Dear Eloise,

 

I have to pick housing for next year, and I am really stressed. Help!

 

Sincerely,

Homeless Harold

 

Dear Homeless Harold,

 

Finding a place to live takes both patience and effort. Apartments and houses can be expensive or be in inconvenient locations. Therefore, I suggest renting a box in front of 30th Street Station. With a deposit of only five bitcoins, you can rent this box for the entire school year or even longer. You can decorate it with crayons or markers — it depends if they started drug testing for marker fumes on job sites. In addition, you can use a hole-puncher to create solar panels and/or a sunroof. And the best part is that you can easily relocate your entire home in seconds — especially when the sun has been out for too long and you want some shade. If boxed life does not suit you, I suggest looking for houses or apartments to rent in the area. If you prefer to live on campus, then you can search through the housing page and find something convenient and affordable to you.

 

Sincerely,

Eloise

*Eloise is in no way sponsored to advertise box homes

 

 

Dear Eloise,

 

I’ve been playing a lot of Tetris lately. It helps me relax and pass the time, but it also distracts me from many important tasks. All my Facebook friends see when I play Tetris through the application, and it’s getting embarrassing. Not to mention, sometimes when I close my eyes, I see Tetris blocks falling. Help me, please.

 

Sincerely,

Addicted Adam

 

 

Dear Addicted Adam,

 

Tetris addictions are looked down upon in most societies — how do you expect to get a proper suitor? You sure won’t be able to find a fine gal who is light as a feather with a father who is willing to give you two cows and a goat for his daughter’s hand in marriage if you have a Tetris addiction. The most you can expect is maybe a lost cause whose father gives you a roasted chicken he bought from Boston Market a week ago. I think support groups for Tetris addictions exist, and they take place in rooms where all the furniture is round to prevent you from having sinful thoughts regarding Tetris blocks. You should get help immediately. Don’t hesitate, as your problem might get much worse once you reach a level in the double digits. Just kidding — just take a break from Tetris and play some “Mario Kart” or something; substitution is always key.

 

Sincerely,

Eloise

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