Dear Granny,
I am going to start going on interviews for co-op for next fall, and I am incredibly nervous. With so much at stake, how do I ensure that I make a good impression with a potential boss?
Sincerely,
Working William
Dear Working William,
Now, I have not gone on many interviews myself due to the fact that I could not type in the ‘60s and my bratty children were unable to go unsupervised for more than five minutes until the age of 17. However, I am extremely aware that first impressions are simply essential. I mean, I am not saying that one should judge a book by its cover, but a lot of times that is just the case. I have this loathsome neighbor whose name I shall not reveal based on principle, but she is just a terrible creature. When I first moved into my house, she promptly knocked on the door to introduce herself and brought me a half-eaten low-fat granola bar as a housewarming gift. It was a terrible first impression. Now listen to me, sonny. In order to make a first impression, there are a couple of things that you should avoid doing. Please, for the sake of all that is holy, do not wear “jorts”; jean shorts are the reason why children get rocks thrown at them in the schoolyard. In addition, please avoid telling any stories about your morals, even if dental hygiene is a way to show your time management skills. I am sure you’ll do wonders!
Toodles,
Granny
Dear Granny,
I’m extremely fond of social media, but despite my large amount of friends on Facebook, I don’t think my wit is truly recognized by the masses. How can I get more likes on my really funny statuses?
Sincerely,
Internet Ian
Dear Internet Ian,
I type this column on a mighty fine typewriter, and I don’t quite understand the premise of this “Facebook.” Is it simply a photo album? I attempted to take up scrapbooking a few years back but got so frustrated with my family’s non-photogenic traits that I told myself to either buy an entire new family on the black market or give up scrapbooking completely. I did not have the funds for the former, so I was stuck with the latter. Anyway, it seems as if popularity appears to be the true issue at hand. Because I spend a lot of time watching “Oprah” reruns and color-organizing my pantyhose, I am not exactly sure what to tell you. Perhaps you should post controversial things to get more feedback. For example, maybe say something like “I just ate a deer. Can’t tell if I prefer it with mustard or ketchup,” or “Down with the bourgeoisie capitalist agenda!!!!” You will definitely become more popular and maybe even create a new gourmet meal or start an international revolution. The options are endless, really.
Toodles,
Granny
Dear Granny,
I attempted to do laundry a couple weeks ago; it was not for the first time, but I usually just bring it home with me for my mom to do (no judgment, please). However, I shrank many of my sweaters, and now I feel like my wardrobe is incomplete. What can I do to get out of this rut and avoid future laundry problems?
Sincerely,
Sweater Samantha
Dear Sweater Samantha,
I am most hurt by the fact that you torture perfectly innocent pieces of cotton, wool and cashmere like this. Before I continue answering your question, I would like to direct you toward the Declaration of Independence of the United States. Now I was not alive when it was written, but I am sure that when the founders of this fine nation said that everyone has unalienable rights such as those to “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,” they did not exclude sweaters. Anyway, I’ve been doing laundry all my life, so I can give you a few tips. Separation is key. Next, make sure to read the labels — not stereotypes, but the actual labels on your clothes — and follow the directions. If these steps are too complex, you can always coat your body in peanut butter, roll around in the grass and pretend you are an eco-friendly version of Lady Gaga. You’ll avoid doing laundry and gain recognition at the same time.
Toodles,
Granny