Breaking News: TKE suspended for five years

Dear Granny and Eloise

Dear Granny and Eloise,

I have an amazing boyfriend of five months. He’s perfect in every way — sweet, funny, intelligent and everything else I could ask for. There’s just one problem: He has no idea how to dress. He wears jean shorts with high, white socks and New Balance sneakers every single day. He dresses like a fifth grader, and it’s embarrassing me! How can I tell him to ditch the jorts?

Signed,

Fashionable Fiona

Dear Fashionable Fiona,

That is quite a predicament, dearie. Obviously, to some people, that outfit is perfectly acceptable, but if you really feel as though it is childish, you should be straightforward with him. I mean, don’t say it negatively. Instead, compliment him when he doesn’t wear New Balance Sneakers with high socks and jorts. He’ll be more receptive to your positivity than your nagging. That’s what I did with my husband, Donald — though convincing him to trash his purple pinstriped trousers didn’t really make him any more attractive.

Toodles,

Granny

Dear Fashionable Fiona,

One thing that I may suggest is to tell all of your friends and acquaintances that your boyfriend is a time traveler — similar to “Phil of the Future” — and his unique style represents future trends that will take the world by storm. In addition, you could also sneak into his room, burn all of his clothing items that Joan Rivers would disapprove of, and pretend that he was robbed. Or, if all else fails, just be honest and take him on a shopping spree.

Good Luck,

Eloise

Dear Granny and Eloise,

I have a really good friend whom I enjoy hanging out with a lot. I’m happy to do things with her, but she texts me so much, and I can’t deal with it any more! Not an hour goes by without getting a text from her, and if I don’t respond she just keeps texting. They’re all pointless texts, constant updates about her day. I love my BFF, but how do I get her to tone it down?

Signed,

Tortured by Texting

Dear Tortured by Texting,

That’s a difficult situation. Although this wasn’t an issue back in my day, I do stay up to date with all of your fancy technology. I sent my first text message all by myself yesterday! (Well, my granddaughter might have typed it out and pushed those button doo-hickeys for me, but other than that I did it). Anyhow, I think you should just tell her you have a texting limit, and if she keeps texting you too much, block her from your phone. Wait. Don’t do that. That may be too harsh (when you’re as old as I am you can get away with stuff like that). Just tell her it’s an issue, and if she doesn’t stop, try being more firm about it.

Toodles,

Granny

Dear Tortured by Texting,

I highly recommend becoming a cavewoman. You should take your phone and throw it against the wall. Then you can put the pieces back together like a puzzle and hang it up in your room — because you probably won’t find anything better to do without your cellular device anyway. You can also tell her that you’re refusing to accept that it is 2013 because the world was supposed to end and instead are going to acknowledge the year 1993, when texting did not exist; however, this might require you to wear skorts and crimp your hair. Just tell her that you need some time, and if she doesn’t understand, turn off your cell phone.

Sincerely,

Eloise