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Dear Granny and Eloise

Dear Granny and Eloise,

I’m single, and all my friends have significant others. I feel so left out all the time. How can I have fun without being in a relationship?

Signed,
The Fifth Wheel

Dear The Fifth Wheel,

Oh, goodness. You whippersnappers are so whiny! What ever happened to the independent youth blazing a trail and playing the field? Back in my day, we didn’t even have this dating nonsense! (OK, so now you know I’ve been around for a while, but that doesn’t make me old — just timeless.) Anywho, no one should ever feel left out for making the decision to stay free from commitment. What I’m trying to say is don’t feel like you need to have a significant other in order to enjoy yourself. If all your friends have significant others, I think you should be open to making new friends. Until then, you can do something fun for yourself, like work out, watch a movie or read. If all else fails, you can adopt a cat. Remember, cats are worthy counterparts.

Toodles,
Granny

Dear The Fifth Wheel,

Instead of eating an entire container of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream while filming your cats playing with a ball of yarn, you should make some new friends, watch horror movies and eat Chinese food. Here are some things not to do: Don’t watch any movies featuring Amy Adams, don’t create an online dating profile, and don’t buy yourself flowers and pretend that a new beau has sent them. Just hang out with your friends and have some fun!

Sincerely,
Eloise

Dear Granny and Eloise,

I’ve been dating this guy for a year now, but I don’t know if I should do anything for him for our anniversary. Help!

Signed,
Clueless in Love

Dear Clueless in Love,

Well, after a year it’s about time for a wedding, don’t ya think? Maybe he should be getting you a ring, and naturally, your family could give his family a sheep or two. I’m only kidding, of course. I know you younglings like to take your time in those matters, but it’s just an idea. How about you two go see a movie or go for a walk? You can write him a sweet letter. He’ll probably appreciate anything you give him, and if he doesn’t, it might be time to move on to other prospects.

Toodles,
Granny

Dear Clueless in Love,

I think you should Photoshop your faces together and make a photo album to show what your future children would look like, similarly to what Kate Hudson’s character did in “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.” Don’t let the title of the film frighten you! Also, I hear the newest trend this year is destination weddings, so you can buy tickets for a nice, trendy getaway. Please don’t write a poem about how cute his toenails are or how much you sometimes like going through his trash to learn more things about him. Instead, just spend the day together and enjoy being together.

Sincerely,
Eloise