Search
The Triangle - The Independent Student Newspaper at Drexel University

Dear Granny and Eloise

Dear Granny and Eloise,

 

Springtime is finally here! How can I use the weather to my advantage when planning fun activities in Philadelphia?

 

Sincerely,

Stuck & the City

 

Dear Stuck & the City,

 

Oh dearie! You see, one of my favorite artists of all time — no, not that whippersnapper with the big ego, Kanye East — Elvis Presley recorded a beautiful song called “Burning Love.” I only know this because my dreadful husband, Donald, sings this before dinner every night, something I still haven’t gotten completely used to. However, the song goes something like, “I feel my temperature rising / Higher, higher / It’s burning through to my soul.” So listen here sonny, I am not bringing this up to tell you that my husband is a terrible singer, which he definitely is! I am bringing this up because it sounds like you have a case of spring fever! Back in my day, we would go to a drive-in to watch a talkie, but I’m not exactly sure what you whippersnappers do for fun nowadays. Perhaps just walk around and enjoy each other’s company because time is a precious thing to waste.

 

Toodles,

Granny

 

Dear Stuck & the City,

 

My favorite thing about spring weather is sitting inside and playing Nancy Drew games on my computer. That way you can do two things: completely avoid social interaction and become incredibly successful at amateur puzzles meant for young adolescents that are actually rather difficult. The only downside about this springtime lifestyle is that when you fail to complete a puzzle, you resort to looking up cheat codes online, which leads to low self-esteem as well as overeating. Therefore I suggest a brilliant compromise for those who dare to accept the challenge: Take your laptop and a blanket, and play your games outdoors. This way you can interact with people in the real world while simultaneously getting tan to the point that you can create your own reality TV show set on a beach. Best of luck to you!

 

Sincerely,

Eloise

 

 

Dear Granny and Eloise,

I’m a computer science major, and the life of an engineer does not allow for much leisurely reading. What can I do to become well read and sophisticated like my English-major colleagues?

 

Sincerely,

Visual Studio Vinny

 

Dear Visual Studio Vinny,

 

Although I am sure you’re just completely enthralled with coding, you should never feel like you’re forced to pick one end of the spectrum, dearie! When I was growing up, we had very limited forms of entertainment, which led to me reading many, many books that I would pick up from the library. Of course, this hobby continued, seeing as how Donald is just a complete bore. Therefore you should always try to make time for leisurely reading even though you are already a very busy bee. Perhaps join a book club so that you can socialize and read at the same time; I know how you computer science majors like efficiency. Once a week, the ladies and I get together to play bridge and sip lemonade, and it’s just marvelous, darling!

 

Toodles,

Granny

 

Dear Visual Studio Vinny,

 

I’m very enthused with your desire to read. I, too, become too extravagantly busy to read due to my desire to watch Jim and Pam fan videos on YouTube for hours on end. However, I have a quick remedy that will solve all your problems. I suggest that you begin by just making up novels and journals that you read when talking to friends. For example, let’s say your pretentious buddy comes up to you and starts ranting about the disgusting bourgeoisie agenda that is attached to that one book that you did not have time to read. What you have to do is take a breath and begin talking about how that book is extremely similar to a French* book that you had accidentally stumbled upon a few months back. Then mumble something in gibberish but make it believable, something that an old man in a beret would say when walking down the street in Paris. Your friend will be so thrown off by your eloquence that he or she will completely forget their point and retreat to a corner. As a result, “How You Like Me Now” by The Heavy will begin playing in the background as you walk off into the sunset or the smog. Mission accomplished.

 

Sincerely,

Eloise

 

*PS: Make sure that your friend does not speak French.

**PPS: Because this has never been attempted before outside of the laboratory, make sure you have adult supervision before you try this at home.