January 18, 2013 by Granny & Eloise
Dear Granny and Eloise,
After coming back to Drexel, I realized how badly I’ve been eating over break. All those holiday hams and desserts — who can resist the temptation? What do I do to get back on track and be my (semi) healthy self once more?
My dearie Jenny Craig,
I am old, but do you know how I got to be old? By staying alive. And how did I do that? By eating right. Stick to your good ol’ fruits and veggies, and you’ll be just fine, hun. Aw, who am I kidding? It’s okay to indulge every once in a while. After all, who could resist homemade cookies over the holidays? Now, you’ve just got to determine what you want and pursue it. If you really want to be healthy again, decide to be. Make a point to eat better and exercise. Put your mind to it, because that’s the only way you’ll ever achieve anything.
Dear Jenny Craig,
We’ve all been there — eating doughnuts late at night, pretending calories don’t count as long as you finish eating the McDonald’s in the car, and re-enacting the dressing room scene in “White Chicks.”If you have started resenting yourself due to your high food intake, there’s two things you could do: begin hating yourself as you send out passive-aggressive text messages to anyone who invites you to lunch or dinner, or accept that everyone puts on a few pounds during the holidays and try to get back on track. Get some apples and eat them instead of using them as paperweights on your desk. Another good option is to take the stairs to your class in the Main Building. I’m eating a doughnut as I am writing this, but you’ve inspired me to say no to the seductive croissant that’s shouting at me from the kitchen. You’ll do wonders!
Dear Granny and Eloise,
Over break I got my grades. Let’s just say they weren’t satisfactory. I’m freaking out! What should I do?
My dearie Grave Grades,
It’s a bit too late to freak out now because there’s nothing you can do to change it. At least you are concerned, but you can change that concern into determination to do better this term. Consider yourself lucky you even have the opportunity to go to college; many people, like me, aren’t quite so lucky. I’ve spent the majority of my life stuck in my home. Don’t get me wrong, it’s respectable to be a stay-at-home mom, but if I had the chance to be in your place, I’d be sure to fulfill my duties and succeed. Besides, it depends on what you are referring to when you say “satisfactory.” Some students are satisfied with a C; others won’t tolerate below an A. Regardless of your standards, maybe you should re-evaluate your situation, and if you are still worried, make a plan to study harder and execute it.
Dear Grave Grades,
Naturally, you should rent the last three seasons of any show aired by the CW; I suggest either “90210”or “Gossip Girl.”Next, you have to watch all of the episodes at once, only taking breaks either to go to the restroom or run to CVS to buy more tissues for when the 25-year-old blonde guy pretending to be a high school senior breaks up with the 23-year-old brunette pretending to be a high school junior. You have to pine for a miracle reminiscent of “Pleasantville” that allows you to enter these fictional worlds through your television set and never return to the real world. The reason for this advice is that in most CWshows that focus on a school setting, the characters actually stop referencing education in general after approximately the fifth episode, where both the lighting and their wardrobes significantly improve. Another course of action I may suggest, simply if you’re too much of a broke college student to afford boxed DVD sets or tissues, is to stop fretting on past mistakes and just dedicate more time to your schoolwork this quarter. Go to the library so you won’t get distracted, visit the Writing Center or get a tutor. Try a combination of any of these suggestions and hit the books; they won’t hit back.
Dear Granny and Eloise,
I’ve been talking to a boy over the past few weeks, and I can’t help but feel discouraged every time he sends me text messages with only one exclamation point or shares oxygen with someone of the opposite sex. I really like this boy, and I can’t help but overreact to every single little thing. Help!
Loner in Lavender
My dearie Loner in Lavender,
It seems to me you’re suffering from one of the most crippling diseases known to man: jealousy. Take it from me, that fiend of a feeling will debilitate you for good, and I’ve got the cane to prove it. I understand that you like this person a lot, but that doesn’t give you the right to overanalyze or control him. That’s the perfect recipe for disaster in a relationship. Besides, hun, let me tell you how lucky you are that you have a choice in love.
You want to know my love story? It’s a tale of the ages (the Dark Ages, maybe). Anyway, on my 17th birthday, I noticed there was another cow in the yard. This was unusual, considering my family could hardly afford the mud that was caked in their boots. I asked my father where he got such a beautiful specimen of livestock, and he proceeded to tell me it was given to him in exchange for my hand in marriage to Donald Dayghaster, the most undesirable bachelor in town. Sixty years later, I can tell you that deal didn’t work out well for either of us. He hasn’t spoken to me in three years other than to holler at me for stealing all of the covers. Well, that might be a slight exaggeration, but you get the point.
Follow your heart, and don’t let love be tainted by envy. Maybe he thought one exclamation mark was sufficient. Be happy, because at least you’ll never wind up with Donald Dayghaster.
Dear Loner in Lavender,
Although we are all guilty of the things that I shall mention below, you have to remember to take everything as it comes and simply breathe. I don’t have any tips on making this boy fall madly in love with you and tap you haikus in Morse code at the Hans, but these simple tips should help you avoid overanalyzing everything so much in your pretty lil’ head. Don’t stalk his Facebook back to 2008 in which you can easily see him flirting with other nice and fertile ladies who are not you. Don’t freak out and have a panic attack if he doesn’t immediately reply to your text about the cool fact that you found on Wikipedia. And finally, don’t grovel and assume that he doesn’t find you fabulously charming, forcing you to replay sad breakup scenes in your head as if you’re attending the matinee of “He’s Truly Not Into You Even Though Justin Long and Ginnifer Goodwin Ended up Together in the Movie Version: The Musical.” Just remember to be yourself!