Dear Granny and Eloise,
I have two incompetent group members, and I’m going to be stuck with them for the rest of the term. Help!
Sincerely,
Three Heads Aren’t Better Than One
Dear Three Heads Aren’t Better Than One,
Incompetent group members, eh? I’ve had plenty of experience with that — in middle school, high school, marriage. Come to think of it, I’ve always been the common denominator of those groups. Huh. Being stuck in a group of people who aren’t up to your standards can be difficult, but maybe you should re-evaluate the qualities they possess that deem them incompetent. Are they really unintelligent, or do they just refuse to work? If it is the former, you have to treat it like a condition; unfortunately, you have to accommodate for what they lack. If they just won’t work, make them work, either by force or incentives. If they are both, then they should talk to my husband. They’d probably have a swell time together.
Toodles,
Granny
Dear Three Heads Aren’t Better Than One,
I’m sincerely sorry that you’ve been placed in such a dreadful position. To remedy such a situation, I suggest putting your heads together — quite literally — and becoming like Cerberus, the three-headed dog. This way you can not only learn to work together in a fast and easy manner but you may also win a science prize or two. However, if you’re working hard this quarter and your schedule is too busy for dismemberment of any kind, I suggest making the best of the situation. You should try bribing them with grilled cheese, threatening to break their kneecaps in dark alleys or leaving five-minute-long voicemails in which you rap about the importance of work. If all of this fails, you should eat the grilled cheese, publish your rap and simply talk to them.
Sincerely,
Eloise
Dear Granny and Eloise,
I’ve been sick with the flu all week, but I have plans with my friends this weekend. I’m really worried about getting them sick, though. What should I do?
Signed,
Social Sicky
Dear Social Sicky,
It depends on how you’re feeling and whether or not you’re contagious. If you’re just feeling a little under the weather, you can probably go. It’s good to occupy your mind with other things when you’re not feeling well, but you should know your limitations. If you’re constantly coughing and sneezing, don’t put your friends at risk (unless they’re not really your friends — just kidding). Personally, I’d stay home and knit a quilt to bundle up with; your real friends will come and visit you.
Toodles,
Granny
Dear Social Sicky,
Are you like Meg Ryan in that one scene in “You’ve Got Mail” where she’s incredibly ill, but even Tom Hanks won’t come and visit because he’s afraid of getting sick? Or are you like Ferris Bueller before his parents leave for work? If it’s the former, I suggest you either stay in and watch “You’ve Got Mail” or build a bubble so you can rendezvous with your friends without putting them at risk of the plague. If it’s the latter, I suggest you begin quoting John Lennon and buy a fancy bathrobe to hang out in. Either way, remember to drink lots of fluids — not the alcoholic kind!
Sincerely,
Eloise